Newt Ritual

How to turn someone into a Newt (Gingrich)

(courtesy Walking Stick. It's his fault.)

Materials

6 7-day black candles
6 fresh cow patties
2 rubber surgical gloves (cattle insemination gloves ok)
1 copy of the Republican Contract with America
I paper doll, representing the victim
1 iron nail

First, you set six black candles in a circle. Next, following the appropriate
ritual for the circle casting, you light the cow patties. Once the air in the
room has become overpowering, you don the rubber gloves (to avoid contamination
from the unholy text) and read the entire Contract On America ... oops! That's
Contract With America, backwards -- without falling asleep. Upon completion of
the reading, you place the paper doll into the book and slam it shut, securing
it with the iron nail. Within 7 days, the subject will have turned into a
Newt...and will NOT GET BETTER!

(do not try this at home. Isn't one Newt Gingrich quite enough, thank you?)