Redneck Pagan Giggles 1. Does your Ceremonial Garb consist of cutoffs and a tube top? 2 Do you think "Family Tradition" is a dating club? 3. Have you reached 3rd degree, but not 3rd grade? 4. Is your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess "Cooter" and "SweetCheeks"? 5. Does your ceremonial Chalice say "Budweiser" on it? (2 pts if it says "Pabst") 6. Do you consider chewing tobacco a sacred herb? 7. Does your circle dance include the words "dosey-do"? 8. Is your altar pentacle a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? 9. Did your coven choose its High Priest at a belching contest? 10. Did your coven choose its High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest? 11. Does your anointing oil smell like "Old Spice"? 12. Have you ever refilled your chalice from a keg? 13. Does your outdoor circle have defunct washing machines for quarter altars? 14. Do you do your cakes and ale with a can of Pabst and Little Debbies? 15. Does your Pantheon include Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and St. Pauli Girl? 16. Does your ritual music include Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"? 17. Do you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture? 18. Do you believe that the Pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people? 19. Does your altar cloth say "Holiday Inn" or "Howard Johnson's"? 20. Does your Goddess picture say "Miss September" at the bottom? 21. Does your God statue look a little too much like Elvis Presley? 22. Have you ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu? 23. Have you ever canceled a coven meeting to watch Pay-per-View wrestling on TV? 24. Have you ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that looked like the Willendorf Goddess? 25. Have you EVER cast a love spell on livestock? ************************************************************ AND MORE..... You Might Be a Redneck Pagan If..... -If you call the God & Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, Y'all! Watch me!".... -If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker..... -If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod.... -If your Bard plays the banjo..... -If your favorite painting of the Goddess gives her hair like Reba McEntire..... -If your power animal is a pitbulldog..... -If you worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar....... -If your broom has four-wheel drive and SC plates..... -If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks.... -If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second AND third cousin...... -If you envoke the spirits so that your beer lasts longer...... -If you pray nightly to the god of big tires..... -If you can play "The Burning Times" on the banjo..... -If your favorite ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still..... -If you sacrifice bbq and pork rinds on a altar made of old car hoods.... -If you have a combined Maypole Dance/Tractor Pull/Turkey Shoot for Beltane.... -If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells into the fire.... -If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE- HAW!" -If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "The circle is open but unbroken..." -If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches..... -If your high priestess' hair gets caught in the ceiling fan..... -If your most sacred altar items include, hubcap a velvet painting and a half- empty can of chaw..... -If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag..... -If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack..... -If your craft name starts with Bubba..... -If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weedwacker..... -If you've ever cooked road-kill stew in your cauldron..... -If your cauldron looks a whole lot like a spitoon..... -If your altar cloth is vinyl..... -If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly..... -If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart (ouch!)..... -If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team..... -If your neighbor thinks "the Great Rite" has something to do with Jerry Falwell.... -If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos".... -If you leave beef jerky out for Samhain.... -If your circle dance is a two step... -If your familiar can point quail... -If your familiar keeps mice out of the grainery.... -If the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal in a pasture.... -If your altar has a spit cup.... -If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any line from any song by Lynard Skynard.... -If your athame is by Bowie.... -If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance... -Or you found out your familiar is an opossum - and still ate it, .......you might be a redneck Pagan! ************************************************************************ RedNeck Pagan Terms Ostara -- those twinkly things in the night sky Beltane -- it helps to hold up your pants Lammas -- hairy South American critters Shaman -- toilet paper brand Altar -- letting out your pants Yule -- a greeting "how Yule doin'?" Boline -- rolling a 300 on league night Censer -- to bleep out dirty words Handfasting -- dieting to get skinny fingers Imbolc -- buying in quantity Litha -- deadly Mabon -- cosmetics brand (see "Mabon Lady") Runes -- to mess something up Incense -- marrying your cousin Wicca -- Oriental furniture ***************************************************************** You Might Be a Yuppie Pagan if... -If you call the quarters on your cell phone... -If your wand uses NiCad batteries... -If your athame says Henckels on the blade... -If you wear a tie at a skyclad ritual... -If you use caviar and champagne for cakes and wine.... -If your quarter candles have tiffany lamp shades... -If you keep your book of shadows on a laptop computer.... -If your familiar is a miniature potbelly pig... ...... you might be a Yuppie ***********************************************************************