UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST HUMOR ONE-LINERS How can you tell a Unitarian Universalist? You can't; they already know it all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After the secular humanists came along, we said that UUs believe in One God - at Most. Now, what with the 6th Source and the pagans, we say that UUs believe in One God - More or Less. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard the latest UU miracle? Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the UU who was studying Zen ask the hotdog vendor? "Make me one with everything." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A UU prayed, "Dear God, if there is a God, if you can, save my soul, if I have a soul." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a UU minister who was giving a sermon on the annual pledge drive: "The sermon on the amount." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a UU with a dyslexic? Someone who is not sure if he/she believes in Dog. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do congregations do with bullies? They put them on the Board of Trustees. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do UUs have in common with Pontius Pilate? They ask, "What is truth?" and then don't stay around for an answer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Roller finally got fed up with my responses to his dogma one day and demanded, "Do you know what's going to happen when you stand in judgment before God?" I responded, "She is going to have some big explaining to do." The Roller then gave up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is a Unitarian Universalist? An atheist with children. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness? Somebody who comes knocking at your door for no apparent reason. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door and asked, "What do *you* believe in?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the meaning of Easter for UUs? Easter is when Jesus comes out of his tomb, and if he sees his shadow he goes back in and we get six more weeks of winter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes, it's true that I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are UU congregations so disjoint at hymn singing? Because they are always reading a few lines ahead to see if they agree with the words. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then of course there is the line about how the Universalists believed that God was too good to damn people, while the Unitarians believed that they were too good to be damned. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a Klansman with a Unitarian? Someone who goes out at night to burn huge wooden question marks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How the KKK harrasses UUs? By burning a question mark on the lawn -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not even sure if I am a UU. I suppose that removes all doubt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What 2 things do UUs and Dracula have in common? They both have origins in Translyvania and they both shy away from the cross. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Unitarians had to form a firing squad they would arrange themselves in a circle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unitarian Universalists: God's Frozen People. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A UU is shipwrecked on a desert island. During his stay, he builds two UU meeting houses. Finally he is rescued. His rescuers notice the two separate buildings and ask him why he has built two? "That one, I go to," he gestures. "That one, I wouldn't go near!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A UU meeting must seem strange to outsiders. A person will speak and says nothing. Nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a prayer and casting a spell? Spelling! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian." - Col. Sherman Potter, M.A.S.H 4077