THE MEANING OF COMMITMENT IN A NEBULOUS AGE

Talk by Rel Davis, minister, before the Unitarian Fellowship of South Florida, 
1812 Roosevelt Street, Hollywood, Florida, on August 22, 1993.

I would first like you each to take this little test to determine your 
temperament. Temperament determines how you tend to react to commitment.

According to Dr. David Keirsey (expanding the theories developed by Myers and 
Briggs), we all fit within four broad categories of human beings -- called 
temperaments. These temperaments –which we choose early in life (or are born 
with) - - determine our outlook on life, our orientation toward time and space, 
and our relationships toward other people.

The way our temperament alters our reaction to commitment is what I'd like to 
talk about this morning as a means of introducing my topic.

The first temperament (and the most common in America) is the SJ, or Sensing-
Judging type. Called the Beaver by temperament trainers, the SJ is the
traditional, administrator type of person. Feet on the ground, realistic, law-
and-order types.

The SJ tends to live in the past. They value history, tradition, law. They are 
called Beavers because they like build orderly communities (like beaver dams) 
and they are highly protective both of institutions and of people.

Commitment to the SJ type is an important aspect of life. Marriage to them is 
(or ought to be) a forever institution. The only problem is that commitment to 
an SJ sometimes can seem more like a prison than a relationship. An SJ wants
everything to remain exactly as it's always been.

If an SJ's partner begins to change that can be threatening to the SJ and the SJ 
might assume the commitment is invalidated thereby. Many a 1970s housewife, ' 
married to a rock-solid SJ, suddenly found that nice protective marriage 
suddenly go to quicksand when she began experimenting with such modern concepts 
as feminism. An SJ male, confronted with a wife seeking independence, will
tend to find someone else (often a puerile younger woman) to protect.

The second temperament is the SP -- Sensing- Percepting type, called a Fox. The 
SP or troubleshooter tends to live in the present. They are playful, intense, 
concentrated types. The here-and-now is the only thing important to the SP and
the SP loves to fix things. James Taylor's song, Handyman, describes an SP 
perfectly.

The expression, "Love the one you're with," was first said by an SP (Fritz 
Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy, was a Sensing- Percepting type) and the
1970s saw the result of Fox temperaments carried to their extreme.

As for as commitment goes, the SP is committed to you as long as he/she can see 
you. Since they live in the present, if you aren't in the present, you don't 
exist.

A relationship with a Fox can be a heady experience, because while they are with 
you, they are totally with you. An SP is completely and unequivocally devoted to 
the present relationship. But step out of the picture for a minute and they're
just as committed to the next person who enters their life.

The third temperament is the NT or Intuitive-Thinking type. The NT (called the 
Owl) is the architect or planner. NTs tend to live in the future, and they love 
to design and plan things. Successful entrepreneurs tend to be NT types.

NTs can seem distant from ordinary humans, because they are more interested in 
what things might be than in what things really are.

Commitment to NTs is also a time-dependent function. They are committed to what 
might be. In a relationship with an NT, you might wonder if they really care at 
all. NTs don't tend to show emotions and often don't seem to be committed.
Their commitment is to the idea of the relationship and they don't want a lot of 
hassle in the present tense.

As long as a relationship remains what the NT considers "ideal," they will 
remain committed to it. Often NTs are more likely to be committed to ideal
philosophies than to people.

The last temperament is the NF or Intuitive-Feeling. These types are called 
"Unicorns" because they are basically mythological in nature. NFs are not tied 
to a particular time-frame, but rather exist somewhere out in space. The NF is 
also called a Catalyst for they can help bring other people together.

The NF type lives in a world that he/she created and their commitments are 
usually intense and somewhat mythological as well. Poets, mystics, monks and 
inquisitioners all tend to fall within the NF type! Commitment is something 
created by the NF and subject to the NF's own rules. Thus, commitment is highly 
important to the NF but you might not recognize it as such.

I began with this brief discussion of commitment based, on temperament to 
demonstrate that commitment is not such a simple process.

The act of making a pledge or promise, or a public statement of intention, 
commitment is necessary for the smooth functioning of society. Yet we as a
nation seem so wary of commitment.

We have just emerged as a society from the Me-generation of the 1970s and 80s. 
Beginning in the 70s, the trend for two decades has been a rejection of 
commitment.

I remember the following oft-repeated scene from the 1970s: The speaker would 
take a long draw on a joint, hold the smoke as long as possible in the mouth, 
and then (after exhaling slowly) would drawl: "I refuse to accept any adjectives 
for myself. I'm a free person and will not be tied down by any definitions at 
all." Ever hear any comments like that?

An outgrowth both of the sensitivity toward stereotypes which arose in the 1960s 
and of the "Love the one you're with" emphasis of the 1970s, such a comment --
which takes non-commitment to its logical extreme -- reveals a great deal of
ignorance about the nature of reality. I'll talk more about that later.

The refusal to make any form of commitment has had a number of ramifications for 
our society.

First, the fluidity of relationships caused by such an attitude led to the 
Nebulous Society we became. In the 1980s divorces in South Florida topped
marriages five to four. Relationships tend to be shorter and, more important, 
less committed than they were before. The resultant angst has led to more than 
half a generation addicted to chemicals (legal and otherwise) and to the rise of 
12-step addiction groups for a wide range of "substances" from food to sex to 
childhood and even to a parent's addiction to alcohol.

I talk to people all the time who (1) desperately want a loving relationship, 
(2) can't make the commitment necessary to obtain one, and (3) believe their 
inability to make such a commitment is a sign of emotional stability! You really 
can't get any sicker than that!

A second result of so many people's refusal to "define" themselves is that we 
have become politically a nation of sheep. Believe me, the oligarchs of the 
world love it when people "drop out" of society, whether on drugs or on religion 
or on psychotherapy. The person who leans back and says "I love everybody so I 
don't want to make any waves" is giving all the power to the Ronald Reagans and 
the Adolph Hitlers of this world.

When, in the 1970's, so many people gave up involvement in matters of social 
conscience, the nation quickly became the private slop-trough for the ultra-
wealthy: The richest one percent of the nation got immeasurably richer. The 
Savings and Loans Institutions were looted. Taxes on the middle classes were 
boosted. And the national debt --to be paid off by tomorrow's middle classes
skyrocketed.

The Nebulous Society is an expensive one for the average person, for when the 
majority are afraid to commit themselves to social justice, the wealthy
minority will pillage a nation's resources like a fox in a henhouse.

So what is a commitment and why are commitments necessary?

To understand this we must understand something of the nature of reality.

The reality that you and I perceive is strictly controlled by the language we 
use. While this is true at all levels --even the sub-molecular --I want to 
emphasize this morning the validity of such a statement at the broader level.

If I choose to define myself as a no-good, lazy failure, I will become a no-
good, lazy failure. The, parent who wonders why their lazy, irresponsible
son grew up to become a lazy, irresponsible adult ought to consider the effect 
of constantly reminding the child of how lazy and irresponsible he was.

Words create reality.

People come to me and tell me they don't have any goals in life. No reason for 
being. Help me, they say, give me something to believe in. Sorry, external 
values don't count. The only meaning that will ever make sense in your life is a 
meaning you choose to give yourself.

So the failure to take a stand. The failure to make a commitment. is a failure 
to create reality.

The types of commitments you make determine the type of person you will become. 
If you want to be a nobody, in other words, refuse to take a stand, to define 
yourself.

We must learn to make commitments. We must learn to define ourselves.

So what is the difference between a stereotype and a self -definition, between a 
commitment and a prison sentence? Let's look at those two separately.

A stereotype is a perception that extends across boundaries of individuality. 
The classic stereotype is that "blacks got rhythm." I've known blacks with
two left feet, just like me. The problem with stereotypes is that we tend to 
lump everyone within a certain class into the same pattern.

Stereotypes work in our lives as well. A friend of mine has just gone through 
several weeks of intensive medical testing for a heart condition that
physicians assure him doesn't exist. His mother has serious heart problems and 
she keeps telling him about his male ancestors who all died early of heart 
attacks. This friend is certain that he has inherited a fatal heart condition 
and he refuses to believe physicians who tell him he's fine. This is a 
stereotype.

Were he, on the other hand, to make a conscious effort to define himself as a 
healthy person, and to visualize his heart in good working, order, he would
probably quickly become a healthier being. Now, thanks to his accepting his 
mother's stereotype, he might very well be on the road to a future coronary.

Self - definition is the process by which we - through act of individual will - 
- create our own reality by choosing our own definitions of ourselves.

Stereotyping is the process whereby Nye accept other people's definitions of 
ourselves and others. Stereotyping results in the subversion of our creative 
processes. We give others the power to determine what we ourselves will become.

The conscious act of will involved in self - definition is a commitment to 
ourselves.

So what is the difference between a commitment and a prison sentence?

Often we accept society's definition of ourselves as "human beings." That is, we 
assume the role of being unitary creatures locked in space-time. When people 
say: "What is the real me?" or "I'm not that kind of person" or "I can't change; 
that's just the way I am," they are refusing to see themselves as changing, 
growing entities.

We want other people also to become frozen in time. It's more convenient that 
way. If I know exactly who and what you are, I don't have to think about it 
anymore. We tend to make people into our lives into habits. Expecting them to
always be what they were in the beginning.

This tendency to see ourselves and other people as unchanging entities is what 
creates prisons out of relationships. We become locked in to a reality that
no longer exists. We get in a rut (which my old college professor, Dr. Dodson, 
used to define as "a grave with both ends knocked out.")

The truth is that we are not human beings but rather "human becomings." We are 
constantly changing and constantly creating new selves for ourselves. And as 
people change, so do the commitments that hold them together.

A working marriage contract should be a constantly renewable contract. 
Commitment is not a one-time thing, but a constantly renewed expression of self 
-definition.

Commitments are the glue that hold a society together, but they must be fluid 
enough to allow for a society to be in a constant state of change.

Conservatives attempt to keep society rigid. So conservatives want commitments 
which are non-negotiable. The "ideal" of the nuclear family -- that mythical 
creation composed of one male parent, one female parent, and one and three-
quarters emotionally adjusted children -- is the driving force behind today's 
alliance between religious fundamentalism and the political right. But the 
nuclear family is an unworkable, and totally temporary, phenomenon. Prior to 
this century, it didn't exist, and even today it is crumbling into malfunction.

For untold thousands of years, human beings relied on an extended family for 
emotional support. Only in our Nebulous Society have we tried to create
stability on the concept of a committed couple alone.

It's no wonder the system isn't working.

Commitment is a means by which human beings make a choice of defining 
themselves.

The types and patterns of commitments determine who you are and who you will 
become.

Commitment to another individual --leaving space for constant change --allows 
you the opportunity to obtain that constant mutual affirmation which is called 
love, and which we all need for survival. Commitment to an extended family of 
some sort provides the broader basis for self-identity, by providing a source of 
feedback on ourselves which can help us become more aware and more honest with 
ourselves. For the more honest I am with myself, the more authentic an identity 
I can create for myself.

But commitment to a group or cause that does not honor who you are or the need 
1-or change, can be more harmful than helpful. Commitment to a relationship with 
someone who constantly puts you down can be. extremely self -destructive.
Commitment to a community of people who assume you are weak and intrinsically 
evil (such as some churches and support groups) can also be damaging to the ego.

But commitment is necessary. We have no choice but to define ourselves. For if I 
refuse to define myself I am doomed to accept society's definitions of myself by 
default.

And commitment's value to ourselves is determined by the extent of our 
commitment. If you wish to make the most of meeting your needs for love, don't 
be afraid to commit yourself to a strong, meaningful relationship with someone 
who really cares about you.

And if you want to strengthen your personal identity, get involved with groups 
and communities with a similar value system. By taking an active part in such a 
group, you strengthen your own value system, and create a stronger, more  
authentic identity for yourself.

And this in turn creates a more authentic you.

Blessed Be!